On Waiting and Waiting....

This morning

Probably nothing jolts me out of my peaceful life more jarringly than when I am forced to wait. It doesn’t seem to matter whether I am waiting for something pleasant or something unpleasant. Either way – the very fact that I am waiting shifts my focus away from the present – and into the future or the past. Granted, if I’m looking forward with anticipation like a visit from one of my sons or a lunch with a friend, I have an easier time of it. Looking forward begins to add in opportunities for pleasant expectations about the upcoming event.  

And therein is the problem. Stealthily, it is little Expectations that begin to weasel their ways in. It is nearly impossible ever to fulfill an expectation, especially if it is flavored with accents of hope and wishes.  What a perfect set up for disappointment.

And what if the wait is focused upon something not pleasant? In a similar fashion, the recollection of unpleasant experiences from the past come into play.  A flash memory of my survival of a near drowning plays a melodic background note whenever I enter water.  It may only last a few seconds – but it remains tucked in a distant memory of fear, helplessness. And right now the first drop of rain on the roof triggers a flashback to a month ago when my front yard disappeared down onto my neighbors’ access driveway in a thunderous mud slide. Days and nights of continued rain had turned the clay soil to a liquefied feral force that pushed through retaining walls of rock and reinforced concrete. It happened all over Costa Rica – landslides, mudslides, bridges and homes and even entire villages washed away by mud and too much water racing to the sea.  That was Tropical Storm Nate – and though it didn’t even make the news in the rest of the world, it was the most destructive event in memory here.

October 5, 2017

At my place we did what we could. With the help of my Tico friend ‘like a son’ Billy, we got my neighbors’ access road cleared of rock, mud and concrete within 12 hours – which was near miraculous as the entire country struggled through shock and denial and directly into action.

So now I am set up for the Wait. I am waiting for the Dry Season to come so that the building of my replacement retaining wall can happen. It must be dry before the project can begin.  Added onto the waiting time is all sorts of extenuating circumstances, each with its own basis in experience that adds the element of fear to the waiting time.

·      The wall is the only way to fix the gradual erosion of the 20 ft. slope in front of my house – that threatens the house, Frank’s house, the palm tree that is now leaning.  It is urgent, but cannot be done until the dry season.

·      Global climate change is bringing into play more extreme forms of weather patterns and records.

·      This rainy season has been the heaviest in memory and has now been predicted to be longer than usual – extended by one or two weeks.

My rational mind has explored each of the points and come up with very rational responses, of course. We have come up with our plan and it is a good one. After researching through engineers, contractors and others, the gavione wall with good drainage in place will secure the slope in the best way possible. Additionally, with Billy managing the project, we will hire neighbors who will help insure the success through community involvement.  

But what to do about the things that are not in our control like the heavier than normal rainfall, the tropical storms, longer rainy periods, sudden earth changes?  For those things we need another solution – one that can only be controlled within oneself. Perhaps all we can do is shift our perception. We still have to wait. So I must find a better way to wait.

“As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease. When you act out the present-moment awareness, whatever you do becomes imbued with a sense of quality, care, and love - even the most simple action.”

― Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment

My friend Suzanna finds her way through meditation. She has even done a twelve day silent retreat in order to go more deeply into a meditative state where she finds her peace.

I am finding my own ways to focus on a present moment.

At any moment, any time I can choose to focus on the particular task or activity that I am currently doing. And then I slow down my perception of each little part. This morning I was opening an avocado for breakfast. I felt the pressure of the knife as it passed through the skin and around the seed.  Then I noted the angle of the knife as I laid it on the edge of the cutting board. Next I paid special attention to how I took each half of the avocado in each hand and turned them in opposing directions in order to break the fruit into halves – each half a perfect piece of itself. I focused on color and appreciated the shade of green that changed so subtly towards a golden hue as my eye moved from the skin to the center. When I saw one small sliver of avocado at the edge, I touched it with my tongue and noted the cool, smooth texture in my mouth. And I continued my intense awareness of my actions as I finished removing the pit, preparing the avocado slices and placing them on the edge of my plate.  Then I moved on to the papaya. 

Suddenly I noticed that I had no awareness of what time had passed – probably only a few minutes – but that I was in another place entirely. The inclusion of color, texture and taste had magically transported me to the Now.

I was refocused. Refreshed. And content to allow the next moment to evolve as it would.

That night I heard from Frank….

12:34 Tuesday, November 7 2017

 

I am here with you Jan – as a breeze, as a calm note in the night, as a momentary pause of wakefulness during the night. Life on earth is so very tenuous and brief and can only be marked by the moments that you spend in the present. There is no other way to go through this time except as a series of present moments. Right now this is a struggle for you because you want to feel life is good. You want assurances that all is well. And truly all is well only right in the moment. In the larger realm there is much change. Roiling changes are occurring.  Your job now is to use the time that you have moment by moment and immerse into each moment as best you can. I am here to help with that, but only if you can meet me to receive my help. Yes, you are right – the animals are your teachers. They show how it is done. Yes they get excited about something that is coming – something they look forward to – anticipation – going for a walk, getting a bone to chew, going outside – but the teaching is that the anticipation is for the next moment.  A moment that is still nearly touching this one in the present. That is what they are showing. The lesson then becomes un-attachment. Disengaging oneself to the outcome. Peace on earth implies a calm. A persistent calm – and that isn’t possible during a great turning – which is what is happening now. I can help you with the choices, moment to moment and it is best if you will leave to us the progression of the turning. You can take charge of the moment. These are the great challenges of living right now. For us here – beyond- there is no time. We are continually in the moment, continually at peace because we no longer are attached to distant, or a next, or a future. We can project through analogies like paths, and steps and walking and moving, but we are always in repose and of course we know that this place is so very different than what you are experiencing in the dimension of time and change. So we can help by expanding the sense of the present moment so that it is overflowing with beauty and love and completion. This is the great turning. Turning within to experience the fullness. And I am helping you with this, dear Jan.  feel the peace in that. Now, rest – and rest into the moment. Feel the softness of the pillow and the comfort of your bed and the stillness of the night.

Living in layers of moisture, moment by moment

I think this is a lot to take in.  This immersion into the moment –but it is what I am working on.  I like that Frank says he can help with that. And he does.  Sometimes, when I am remembering to be really attentive to the just what is right with me in the moment, I can feel the slight cool breeze that I know is Frank. This morning, while seeing the amazing morning I was just taking in the colors, the light, the sense of the breeze in the fronds of the palm – and I heard, before I saw, the buzzing wings of a hummingbird that swept close to me as part of the moment. That moment.